It was an exciting Sunday, we had a lots coming up with my sisters wedding dates being finalized. The to – do – list was only getting enormous, the weight of the pending chores only dragged me down. The evening, was going to be a meeting of the bride and the groom’s families to decide some important stuff. And I always think I can bring the sun down with my little hands, I volunteered to cook dinner for everyone. (Unsure if I was thinking I could feel good by someone new appreciating my culinary skills ;))
By the way – Its been a long journey of transformation from “a doer of nothing fueled by the conspiracy waging inside my little mind about the concerns I had, have and will have” to “a doer of everything under the sun to keep my little ferocious animal inside my head to feed on something than to remain hungry”. A mom for a school goer and a four month baby, a 12 hour job, a home to manage, and a couple of self driven projects I created for myself like – blogging, crochet, waste recycle, kitchen garden planning etc was a way to keep myself super busy
The transformation was undoubtedly pure, decent, noble, fruitful and good.. Ok I ran out of adjectives now and of course on the other side – It was sheer thirst for accomplishments, for some praise and for a name of my own!
But overdoing havoc’s the purpose any day without a speck of doubt.
It was 4:00 PM and I knead the dough for making some soft roti’s (Indian bread) that would not just skip into the system but also bring some praise out! Very dramatically, while I was at kitchen an uncomfortable feeling came over me.
Suddenly I started shivering, and being that woman who tries to do everything, I still tried but of no avail. My body had given way, and no amount of mental strength could get me to my feet.
I covered myself with a blanket, told my mom I was just unable to do anything. My mom, my sister looked at me with confusion initially. I was ok, a few minutes ago… What had happened to me? Fear struck them, they have over promised basis my help!.. Soon they realized I am going to be of no help, and truly something was wrong with me.
The meeting was important to let it go, so my parents and sister took my girls, took all the things I left undone and went their way home.
I was lying on the bed, not knowing what just happened to me.. But I could sense that my body was getting hot with every passing minute.. My head started aching.. As the light faded and the dark evening crept in.. I lay there on the bed sick and exhausted, depleted of all strength.
All of a sudden I cursed myself for being left alone in the dark in my sickness and pain. I ain’t sure if my emotions kept largely differing with every rise in temperature or increase in number of places it was aching..! I started blaming my parents, my sister, my husband for leaving me alone…
And then the moment came – I blamed GOD, he was the reason for my birth, he was the reason for whatever I went through in life, he was the reason for the misery, he was the reason for the blessings.. So he was the reason for my miserable condition that night!
I started sobbing, as my mind raged from the years bygone – the failures, the success, the hardships and the blessings. And I blamed God… In my anguish, I heard a voice Loud and Clear ( I was so aware that I asked myself if it was me speaking to me) Where is your First Love? What are you running after?
You wanna knit and get a few orders and a few mouths to praise or a few FB likes? You want to blog and have a few followers and a pat on your back? What is your need? Why are you thinking all this will satisfy you? Have you traded me for a romantic idol? A name for yourself? A book you wanna author soon? Will all this satisfy.. The questioning started getting fierce and loud
Where is your love? Where is your first Love? What are you running after.
The questions left me marred for ever…. the broken cisterns will never satisfy.. I repeated like a maniac.. I am sorry Lord.. I am sorry Lord…
Isn’t everyone longing for a relationship today?
Isn’t everyone of us looking for something to satisfy?
Isn’t each one of us tired of being disappointed each time?
A relationship with Christ alone gives meaning to our fleeting lives, it’s time to repent , find forgiveness, be reconciled and to find that lasting relationship which will satisfy, a walk with the Lord,.
It’s amazing grace, joy unspeakable and unending love!!!